Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in gretchentbs' LiveJournal:

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Thursday, August 20th, 2009
12:03 am	my ass my ass seems to get nicer...rounder....higher everyday (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 11th, 2008
4:47 pm	Nothing nice 88 days clean and sober and I am having a bad day for the first time. I am trudging new road. My co-workers who has always had a problem with me has been complaining to management about me. He just doesn't like me and he never will. I'm not sure how to face the impending bashing I am facing when I go to work tonight. When I first got the news this morning my stomach was in knots and it brought back all my bad thinking.....I'm a bad employee, I'm a loser, people don't like me, I'm too dumb to do the job right, I'm in trouble again, I can't ever succeed at anything, I'm too passive. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh But here's the only solution I can think of that may be closer to gods will.....I will try harder, listen to the issues and hear what my part is and follow their requests. I will remain honest in accepting my part without placing blame and pointing fingers. I'll let you know how it goes. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 12th, 2008
3:28 pm	the good dick So the new twink has managed to completely blow my mind. BEST SEX I"VE EVER HAD IN MY FUCKING LIFE!!!!!!!!! (with a male). He's attentive, generous, gentle yet dominant, and responsive. The sexiest lil thuggish ever. And his cock is like a 5th limb, HUGE. He comes as many times as I do usually, do you know how hot that is? His eyes and his smile and his dimples fucking kill me! And since he's giving me the good dick and happens to be around and available to fill the VOID in my heart the size of Texas with wind blowing thru it I am finding it hard not to submit myself to him outside the bedroom. He is so passionate and every once in a while I get this quick glimpse of softness inside the hardened criminal. When I look at us in the mirror I just wanna freeze the moment forever. I don't know why but I think we look so fucking good together. He makes me feel pretty again. The dumb lil bitch in me wants to be his girl. He owns my pussy already. Fuck, I just wanna be soneone's girl, I've never been single this long before. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 17th, 2008
11:32 pm	updates Sunday, April 15, 2007 Overjoyed I am I got the night in his arms that I had wished for. It was worth the wait and everything I had dreamed of. I am so ridiculously happy today. I love being his girl at the bar. He is my first prize, my number one pick. I could have had at least four of the other guys there (they had each made that clear) but none of them compare to my baby. I live for his cuddles and kisses. He is it for me. I've really never adored and loved someone so purely and deeply before. I had so much fun with him at the races and the bar and all day today. I'm gonna throw him in a gunnysack and steal him! I must have been being good because I was blessed last night. And since when is he such an amazing fuck?! Good boy! 69, reverse cowgirl, missionary, breakfast head, manual stimulation, more missionary, me riding, doggy style. Shit, he actually wore me out. 5:33 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Friday, April 13, 2007 You can save me. Standing on the sidewalk in front of the bar as we had a hundred times before I pressed my hand to his cheek and looked into his eyes with tears leaking from mine, I said "You can save me." More of a plea than a statement. If he would just let me love him, I would be saved. Saved from myself, eternal sadness. Is my need to love him and make him happy selfish or selfless? I pray for him everyday and for my god to restore my sanity. 8:02 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Thursday, April 12, 2007 Shelby Shelby is my working name These tears are the blood shed for the heartbreak I earned. All these sins and mistakes never add up to lessons leanrned. Fantasies of suffering for restitution I owe to you. Hurt me, no one hates me like I do. I pray for a wound of the flesh to heal my souls pain. Come one, come all; give me your diseases, I'm insaine. Your cancers, diabetes, lumps, hepatitus, and geriatrics to get old. Let me deteriorate in front of your eyes repaying my debt to kharma ten fold. I got caught this time but truth is I've done worse a hundred times more. More than anyone before me I'm a natural born slut, an intrinsic whore. The harder I try to be a normal the worse I seem to fuck up. Life's just one long nightmare, not sure to die or wake up. Open your heart and you can catch my disease. Don't trust me, don't ever love me please. My soul has no morals, there's a hunger that eats me every day. Driven by the fuck, the cock, the pussy every which way. I'd make a useless adultering wife. I've been different my whole life, where's a knife? I live on temptation island alone at last. My pussy will starve and rott for my past. 4:29 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Tuesday, April 10, 2007 My name is Shelby A Monday night in the life of Shelby....... Twink is waiting for me when I get out of the shower I make him wait while I finish my make up and get dressed. We watch porn while I'm gettting ready. It was Anna Nicole Smith and I wondered if that was wrong since she is so freshly dead then i decided we were honoring her. Once I was all dressed I told him to get his cock out. I gave him head. And sent him on his way. (I wasn't gonna ruin the hair and make up I just did or get my clean pussy dirty) I head to the Black Cat where I have dinner and scan the scene, nothing fuckable.Then I go to the Pub and same thing. So I went to Hotshot's house and he was waiting for me. Had some friends over so as soon as they left we hit the bed and he gave me his 5 minutes of fame. I was almost there but since he fucks me like he's trying to kill me with it, it takes me a while to catch my breath. Oh well it was still a good hard fuck, just what I needed. I went back to the Cat knowing that Birdy would be getting off work and driving by. I wondered if he'd stop when he saw my car. Sure enough he came in and I hugged him hello. Fuck I love him and everything about him. I swear he could blink and it would turn me on. Anyways I just decided I should leave because it was late and I think he was meeting a chick there so I didn't wanna witness that. Instead of going home I decide to check out the First Edition. I had been there maybe twice before. When I walked in there were 6 or so guys at the bar and no females. I headed for and empty area but I see two guys motioning for me to come sit by them. I thought to myself "Well I didn't come here to sit alone, I should meet people." So I ended up talking to one guy Bud for 2 hours. And a little to some others, all nice people. When I left the cute old bartender said "Goodnight Pussycat" I just wanna steal him! Bud walked me to my car and basically offered me $500.00 to fuck him. Why I declined, I don't know. Had he pulled the cash out maybe.He wasn't ugly. I just couldn't do that shit in my own town. When I got home I sat in my driveway for twenty minutes starting and erasing text messages to Birdy knowing I couldn't sent them because i'm not supposed to be bugging him. He's made it clear that he doesn't wanna be with me. I just love him and i miss him so fucking much. I would do anything to be his girl. At this point I'd be overjoyed with just one more night in his arms. I'm so tired of the tears. But I will say this....when I had Twinks huge cock in my mouth and when I had Hotshot pounding me to death, I wasn't crying. Fuck the pain away (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 6th, 2008
9:07 pm	Unrequitted Love He was a good man, a friend for quite a while. One night somehow I ended up in his bed wearing only a smile. I'm sure the endless beers and shots helped a bit. Wild Turkey and Jagermeister were the villains to blame for it. When I woke up I was in a Panic but at least I knew his name. Clearly neither of us were innocent to this game. Later, I'd learn that I'd met my match this time. He had the Pub "done" and I had the Cat "licked". Beyond the booze I was amazed by this man. He was compassionate, warm, friendly, fun, kind, strong, gentle, patient, responsible, and funny as hell.We always laughed and had so much fun. Wait, I was supposed to be gay! I had been dating girls like they were gonna run out. I was a pussy hound no doubt. I was as anti-commitment as they come. Now I've got this penis in my life. And I am falling in love with it....I mean him. Things are taking an unexpected turn for me. I never saw this one coming. I'm starting to stalk my phone, waiting for his calls. And those calls would make my day. Everytime I saw him I was overcome with happiness and you couldn't get the smiles off my face with a belt sander. This is so not me to leave myself wide open (and the conclusion of this story is exactly why). I got supermotivated and got two jobs working 6 days a week because I wanted to have something to offer him. I did everyhting I could think of to help him as far as bringing him food and cleaning up when he was not well. At the same time my drinking became a problem and I was blacking out on a regular basis becoming mean and slutty. We had some rough drunken nights (one very bad). I apoligized a lot and started going to AA and have been 100% sober since. We never had a single fight while sober and were what I thought to be amazingly compatible. He starts to fill my thoughts and becomes my hopes and dreams. In my heart, my soul, and my mind I had no doubt that I could and would love and respect this man forever and after. He was it for me. I would be by his side no matter what.... kids/no kids, rich/poor, healthy/sick, anything. This was my purpose on earth,why I'm here. His happiness was my sustenance. I just wanted to share my life with him so badly. What could have been is now just making me pathetic. He kept me a step above "booty-call" status. And there I stayed for about 5 months. Until I felt it was time for clarity and I had to have "the talk". I asked where he was at with "us". He said he wasn't looking for a girlfriend when we started hanging out but it was fun but I'm looking for something serious and those two weeks when we weren't talking he liked doing whatever he wanted and not having to worry about anyone else. Did he just say he liked not having me in his life?! OUCH! So I immidiately go into fake shut-down mode and say "Oh okay I understand. I'm not mad. We just want different things. We'll still be friends." Of course we'd just had sex so after a VERY awkward 30-60 seconds I got up and got dressed. He says "Can we still do this once in a while." I simply said "no" but what I was really saying was "fuck you, you just broke my heart asshole!" He walked me out to the car and gave me a stupid hug. As I drove out of his driveway tears started to pour and they haven't fucking stopped since. No wonder I'm dehydrated, I'm leaking brain water. Heartbreak is a motherfucker!!!! I pretty much cried and was so upset that I simply blacked out the first two weeks.Aparently I saw him a few times. At one point I text him "It hurts too much. I have to convince myself that I hate you and you're dead to me". Lol, go me! And he had the nerve to get mad at me for flirting with "his friend". I was just talking to him, I am not and have never been attracted to said friend. I find comfort in his jeleousy. But had I been so inclined, I would fuck whomever I please. No one is off limits. The best way to ease heartache is to FUCK THE PAIN AWAY. So I will. I finally got the broken heart tattooed on me. With a banner reading "GARMONBOZIA" which means pain & suffering. The thing that kills me is that I will never know what I did or didn't do or what ingrediant I was missing that might have made me special to him. As it stands my worst nightmare came true...I am just another Pub-Hag in the Carl Club. (Comment on this)
Monday, March 10th, 2008
11:53 am	What Am I doing????? Why don't I LJ more often? It balances me out cuz I put all my CRAZY thoughts in here and then they're outta my head. I been completely sober 36 days. I couldn't wait to reach 30 days but ever since thirty days I been having a real hard time. Maybe because my goal and drive has been dilluted over time. I'm still going to meetings and the more I look back the more I realize how bad so many of the things I did to myself and other people are. My sexual addiction has not been as easy to kick and I'm not quite sure how to fix that one. I'm hoping it will get easier with the 12 steppin I'm doing for drinking. I am down to 123 lbs which is 9 lbs away from my goal and -102lbs total. At least I have been successful at this one thing in life. Of course thats maybe because it's fool-proof. Things with Carl are progressing slowly. He has continued to leave it at "just friends" but we have been meeting 2-3 times a week and sometimes I go home with him. He completely acts like I am his girl when we're together and everything feels great. He is such a great guy and I believe I am developing unconditional love and respect for him. Although I still have to pick every little thing to shreds...the bottom line is above all other people and scenarios CARL is the one I want without a doubt. The sex with him better since i stopped drinking. I guess I kinda sucked or I just didn't remember it. He's been surprisingly frisky and showing that he wants me which is nice. He was urging me to mae out with this chick at the bar this week and being sober I was not down. I was a little offended by his relentlessness until I realized I had made out with 7 FEMME GIRLS in the 3 MONTHS that we dated. Thats a lot! All were femmies for his benefit and I was barely turned on. I'm all thinking how monogomous I was but I was just getting hella play that happened to be approved. Now onto the others..... Roger and I have gotten to be bestest buddy's and it's nice to have someone that just enjoys spending time with me and being involved in my daily shit like laundry or errands cuz Carl stays in his own life and all my friends live far away. I really enjoy having him in my life. Nicole is a whole story of her own. I don't know why or where the fuck they came from but I have feelings for this girl. Another one from Sac, thats 5 now. I don't think we have anything in common but we're not opposites. There's that unriveled butch/femme chemistry that makes me weak in the knees. Plus she's gentle and intimate. One of the best kissers ever. Last night after MUCH anticipation she finally gave me head and although she wasn't Jesse, she was in the top 10ish. AFTER ALL THAT WANTING AND WAITING I HAD ERECTILE DISFUNCTION! She musta been down there for over an hour and I finally couldn't take it anymore. I was gonna pass out before I came so I stopped her. We laid there and kissed for a long time then held eachother tight and entangled. We fell asleep nose to nose and lips to lips. I feel close and comfortable with her. I don't know where I'm going with her, it just feels good to be with a girl again. Although she kinda went stone butch on me last night which i wasn't expecting from her, maybe just nervous?? I like a challenge and god knows I wanna get at that. I love how big and thick she is. If a butches thighs are bigger than my waist, I'm dust. Oh and did I mention she let's me braid her hair? (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 24th, 2008
3:01 pm	I binge on life So I met Carl at the Cat last night. Rex, Roger, Monica, Stacey, Chris-butch, Susan, and Josh all came also. It was fun, a lil weird to not be drinking. I'm still getting used to it but I did have some laughs. Thinkgs with Carl were good. Next time I'm gonna try it without Ativan but it definately helped to take two of those puppies. I felt naked being next to him without his arm around me and I kept scooting close to him and leaning toward him trying to feel his warmth. At one point he was telling a story to Larel's boyfriend, Ron, and he rubbed my back briefly. I was in heaven. Like he said this morning....the goodbye was hard to do. I am hopeful for our reconsiliation (I know I spelled that wrong). I think he should just marry me. What does he have to lose? My uncle Bob died yesterday. I had an absolutely horrific nightmare about him that morning. Freaked me the fuck out! I also had a dream I was having lunch with Jesus. That one was nice. I'm going out to Sac to stay with Nicole for the weekend. She is already thinking I am her girlfriend. But really I just want sex. This has Cynthia written all over it. But at least she's way out in Sac. I just know the sex is gonna be so fucking hot. I can tell by the way she kisses and IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE HAD A GOOD TOP! I guess the booze was easier to give up than my sex addiction. One is lifelong and the other had recently developed. I quess I never realized how much of an addictive personality I have. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 19th, 2008
12:42 pm	Play the tape to the end..... I heard that at a meeting last night and it is the absolute perfect picture for me. I may miss being social and friendly while drunk but by the end of the night I'm a disgusting mess. I am a cunt and/or a slut falling down being gross and loud. Anyways I have been getting so many coping tools from the meetings lately and I really need them because without my vices FOOD-SEX-BOOZE I had no idea how to deal with life, how to find joy, how to relate to people. I been spending a lot of time with Noey and it's been great. She never ceases to amaze me with what an amazing person she is. I realized last night that it's actually a blessing that Carl hasn't taken me back yet because I wasn't ready either. There's so much shame and regret and emotions that I'm not sure I was ready to face without drinking. By giving it time we can hopefully both get back to a healthier place. I still am waiting for his call every single minute of the day and would definately welcome a reunion but I am feeling a little more patient as i make myself better in the meantime. I have 17 days sober today. I am down to 127lbs which is -98lbs since surgery and 13lbs to go to reach my goal. I'm wearing size 3 jeans comfortable, never thought that would happen. I'd definately be a size 0-1 if i got the tummy tuck. I wen to sac this weekend, met a hot thick 32yr old latin butch thats supposed to come out tonight to go to Club 7. I'm not interested in more than friendship at this time. But it's nice to have a distraction. My family has been amazingly supportive and this has brought us much closer. I am in turn trying to support my mom by being a team in the fight against carbs. It's also helping me cuz I'm finally losing weight again. Need to call Daddy but for some reason feel like I need to get more time (sober) under my belt. I think I'll call him when I get thirty days. My uncle Bob is dying which makes me super sad for my grandpa because thats the last of his family and all of his friends have already died. I knew this would be the year of death. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 15th, 2008
10:29 am	Easy does it...... I saw him last night. I went to the black cat for a minute just because I didn't want to be home alone on Valentine's.Not sure if it was a good plan. I gave him a hug and then I rubbed his back a lil as a "good to see you" gesture. It was a superficial and brief exchange. Then I left before I lost it. He looked so sad like the lonely quiet guy at the end of the bar. I can't wait to be able to make him smile and laugh again. That's very assuming of me but I do just want to make him happy. I felt his warmth and smelled the alcohol on his breath. This image is imprinted in my visions today still. After I left he text me and we went back and fourth for a bit and I told him I miss him and I just wanted to hug him and not stop. He said "Soon" which gave me that thread of hope that I so desperately needed. So I went from wondering. How long is "a while"? and now I'm left with..... When is "soon"? I know, it's on his terms. But is he just pushing me off cuz he's too nice or is he really gonna want me back someday? I fucked up pretty bad. Hopefully absence will make his heart grow fonder in this case. Finally I'm not withdrawing physically from alcohol. I don't crave the actual taste and have that immense thirst. Now i just crave the effects. I miss the fun and laughs and having the time of my life eveery night. I have been fantasizing about getting 3 bottles of Jeager and a 6-pack of Bud Light then taking a cab to a hotel room and just drinking myself till I can't anymore. I might pass out, throw up, or die. This prolly doesn't sound like fun to anyone else. I would have to leave my cell at home so i don't drunk dial and hide my keys so i don't head to the bar or Carl's to make a fool outta myself. It's like that movie where the guy wakes up everyday with no memory so he has to plan ahead and leaves clues for himself. I have to plan ahead for blacked out Darb.Anyways as they say in AA this is why I "don't pick up". (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 14th, 2008
10:15 am	What is it with me and Valentine's Day???? What is it with me and Valentine's Day???? Most years I break up with someone right around Valentine's Day. It's just a bad time of year for me. 12 Days sober today! Thats a record for me. I've heard from Carl once when he drunk text me that he misses me and he said "goodnight baby". I baked for him and made him a nice valentines package but I have lost the nerve to go leave it for him. What a waste. But how long do i wait. If he wanted me back he would have called or something by now. Today is Valentine's so I am giving up if he has no love for me at least on this day. I am willing to hang onto any little glimmer of hope but so far nothing. I don't want to move on, I'm not ready to move on but I don't wanna be the stalker ex either. And this hurts too much. I cry myself to sleep every night. I wake up in the night and start balling. I read my past LJ entries and I knew the road I was headed down. I knew I would lose him eventually so I can't exactly act surprised. I fucked it up. I just miss him and I've never realy respected and adores and cherrished anyone as I did him. I just wanted him to love me back. It's hard to imagine doing it all over again and feels like next time will be fake and forced. I don't wanna keep fucking up my life but nothing seems like it will be the right move from here. I have no hope. I don't know how to live without alcohol. How to have fun. I'm an extremely unhappy person. I feel awkward smiling or laughing. I'm fucking miserable! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
12:40 am	Shelby is my working name These tears are the blood shed for the heartbreak I earned. All these sins and mistakes never add up to lessons leanrned. Fantasies of suffering for restitution I owe to you. Hurt me, no one hates me like I do. I pray for a wound of the flesh to heal my souls pain. Come one, come all; give me your diseases, I'm insaine. Your cancers, diabetes, lumps, hepatitus, and geriatrics to get old. Let me deteriorate in front of your eyes repaying my debt to kharma ten fold. I got caught this time but truth is I've done worse a hundred times more. More than anyone before me I'm a natural born slut, an intrinsic whore. The harder I try to be a normal the worse I seem to fuck up. Life's just one long nightmare, not sure to die or wake up. Open your heart and you can catch my disease. Don't trust me, don't ever love me please. My soul has no morals, there's a hunger that eats me every day. Driven by the fuck, the cock, the pussy every which way. I'd make a useless adultering wife. I've been different my whole life, where's a knife? I live on temptation island alone at last. My pussy will starve and rott for my past. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 5th, 2008
9:32 am	And so it is..... So I spent the entire weekend in bed hating myself. Much to my surprise Carl called me yesterday. I didn't have the nerve to call him back so I texted him and we set up a meeting for this afternoon so I can grovel and plead and ask for another chance even tho I know I don't deserve it. I know he won't say yes but I feel like I won't have closure unless I try. I know I've said this a million times but this time I mean it......... I am done drinking, no loopholes, no exception. Alchohol is like ruffies to me. I am conscious and functioning but have no idea what I'm doing and have no memory of what happened. I have a problem and it's out of control. It's just as bad as any person with a drug addiction. I am gonna go to AA or do whatever it takes. I'm done. I put that on Noey. Here's the letter I plan to give Carl when he gets her because there's no way i can stay composed enough to get it all out verbally. Dear Carl, I am so very sorry that I hurt you. You know I would never do anything to hurt you while I'm sober. Booze makes me the devil. I am so ashamed of myself. As of Friday I am done drinking. I put that on me and Noey's friendship (that's sacred). No loopholes, no exceptions. Of course I don't expect you to believe me. I will only be able to show you. You are my world, my hopes, my dreams, my hero. I didn't expect it but I've fallen in love with you. I love you very deeply. If you give me a second chance I promise to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. You're the reason I get up in the morning and i've been trying so hard to show that I can be responsible and have good work ethics andtake care of you so that you would see me as a good partner, wife, and mother. I wanted to be special to you and exceed your expectations. I want to adore you and make you happy everyday. I live for your smile and your laugh and your cuddles. Nothing compares to being in your arms. The scene on Friday was horrific and I hate myself for it. I can only ask you to be empathetic if you have ever done anything in your life similarly regrettable. I feel strongly that what we have is unique and worth saving. We are so compatable and we have so much fun. Take away the booze and we've never had a single fight or even gotten irritated with eachother. I cherrish every minute we spend together, I'm your biggest fan. I can make it perfect without the alchohol. Please baby, will you give me one more chance? Sincerely, Darby (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 3rd, 2008
8:52 pm	Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck..........Fuck! I have been trying so fucking hard to do good and be something Carl could be proud of. And last night I threw it all out the fucking window. We were at the bar, i was making out with girls as usual. Then somehow when we got back to his house I ended up hooking up with his roomate (bad plan Darb). How does that happen???????? I have no idea. Then he was gone until like 6am I have no idea where he had gone. When he came home I came outta roommate's room and he basically told me to get the fuck out. Can't blame him. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 27th, 2008
11:52 am	This life is getting bolder and I'm just getting older I've been doing some pretty outrageous things lately due to the drinking which I desperately need/want to stop. I showed up for work today in the same clothes without showering for 2 days on my 3rd day.....nice Darb. After I already called in sick MY FIRST DAY because I was too drunk. I love both my jobs and I hope I don't fuck 'em up too bad. Things with Carl have come a long way. I fucking adore this man. He is just the most wonderful person and I couldn't ask for more. I absolutely cherish EVERY minute I get to spend with him! Yesterday he started chemotherapy. I want to be there for him as much as i can. I brought him dinner after work and he was doing much better than I expected. He even wanted to go to the bar. He seemed really good. But when I saw him he looked so pale and fragile. I didn't say anything but this was when the reality of all this hit. I am scared, scared he's got death in Carl. I knew this would be hard but I didn't know it was gonna make me feel this way. So helpless, i wanna be there with him every minute, and every minute that I'm not...I'm thinking of him and missing him like fucking crazy. The other thing is that i kkep on telling him I love him and he doesn't say it back. I really do love him that's why i keep on telling him. But that's a hard thing to face...unrequitted love. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 10th, 2007
11:41 pm	And so it is...... I've been at the bar every night this week. I'm going again tonight. I'm supposed to meet Roger there. I am nervous because that is definately putting me in a slippery place as far as temptation. He called me again yesterday, he was being all cute and shy. So that basically confirms that it isn't just while he's drunk that he likes me. But what the fuck am I doing? The sex with Carl has gotten a little better since I made the realization that I was being shy and reserved with him. Now I ride him and I like it and I am naked with him. He FINALLY ate my pussy today ( I hate the way he eats pussy cuz he sucks my clit and I hate that plus he goes straight for the clit and it's very uncomfortable. We had sex 4 times today so I shouldn't complain. He still never fucking kisses me. Wtf? The thing I am beginning to question is how he feels about me and what he wants out of this. I cannot tell for shit. Sometimes he acts like he's proud and wants me as his girlfriend and other times I get the perpetuated one night stand feeling. Never does he speak of a future or of anything further than until sunrise do us part. I am scared I'm gonna end up A) Fucking up by not taking it seriously and fucking someone else and hurting Carl and losing him B) Fucking up by acting like his girlfriend when thats not what he wants and he'll get smothered. How can I win??????? I promised myself that I'd wait until christmas...our 2 month anniversary to start questioning shit. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 8th, 2007
1:11 pm	I'll fuck anyone for a drink and I'll drink anyone for a fuck. Whoever buys the shots gets the girl. I fucked up BIG TIME Wednesday night! I went to the cat with Rex. To make a long story short I ended up all over two guys...one being Carls friend and the other being like a 70 year old man. WTF!?! I blacked out and made a scene. Got kicked outta the Pub for trying to fuck said old man in the bathroom. THANK YOU GOD NOTHING ENDED UP HAPPENING. Poor Carl has stayed home all week cuz he can't drink due to the Cancer scan he has on Saturday. I felt soooo fucking bad yesterday. I am never gonna forgive myself if I loose him. I went down to the bar last night alone to do damage control. Had a talk with Mikey and said that what happened was very innapropriate and can't happen again. And just felt everyone out to see what they'd heard. I'm glad I went it helped a lot and I tried to cover my ass with a story to Carl. While i was down there I met a guy named Roger who has been calling me because I gave him my number during the 2 Live Crew black out. It hurt his feelings that I didn't remember him at all. He is SO MOTHERFUCKING GEORGEOUS. Like whoa! And this nigga is like in love with me, no really. Like how Alissa was. He wants me to have his babies. He's great and all but I'm with Carl. I find myself doing my normal cheater bullshit and making up reasons why Carl doesn't satisfy me so that I can entertain other cheating thoughts. Like "We're a horrible match sexually (we really are)", and "He never tells me I am pretty or shows any emotions whatsoever." and "In he says he's never gettting married, that makes me feel unspecial." and lets not forget the fact that he NEVER EATS MY PUSSY! I'm a natural born slut and I always stray. This month I have been good cuz it's always been easy to choose him over the other candidates. But I have to be careful cuz it sure is nice to have guys tell me I'm beautiful and tell me how much they think about me. I'm talking tons, even Carl's friends go on and on in a respectful way. Why is he the one person who doesn't????????????????? But at the same time....I'm so shy and I shut down around him too. We have intimacy issues big time. I'm not sure that he's ever kissed me with tongue. It makes me wanna cry. But I am a HUGE handful to deal with, I black out, I have no money and he has to pay for everything, I have no job, I'm shy and freeze up all the time, I'm not sexy with him, I won't get naked in front of him. This is me we're talking about...the sex crazed naked girl. I don't fucking know how to fix it other than to give it time to develop. He makes me super happy and we never have any arguments or problems. I am so content when I'm with him. The rest of the days are like one long panic attack and alchohol withdrawls. I been having horrible anxiety attacks. I been thinking a lot about re-hab because clearly my drinking is outta control and I'm gonna end up losing him and I will never forgive myself. Plus I am fucking up the rest of my life, my career, my family, my friends. But at the same time I just can't seem to stop. I have been getting so much worse, drinking at home, drinking in the afternoon, scraping up every dollar i can find for beer money, blacking out 3-5 times a week. But this is who I am, this is my life, how can I just walk away or stop? Not to mention I'm gonna getraped, or fall and really hurt myself, or crash my car, or get a DUI. This lifestyle is headed for trouble. And god forbid anyone bring up my drinking, I flip out without even realizing. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 4th, 2007
1:19 am	Down & Dirty I always said I couldn't be an escort because I couldn't take it up the ass. Turns out I can. On Friday night I did my usual black out. Aparently I made Carl fuck me in the front seat of his car in the garage. I couldn't wait till we got upstairs I guess. Then he says he fucked me in the ass. The next morning I didn't believe him because I think that would sober me up and my ass didn't hurt. So we had sex missionary, then doggy and then He went for my ass again. It hurts like a motherfucker! But then it feels really good no I mean REALLY good. I came so fukn hard I was screaming. Maybe this is how I lost my voice. Anyways afterward he was pinning me down and smearing his disgusting slimey ass-cock on me and i was squeeling and laughing and flailing. The I grabbed it and wiped my hand on his face and mouth. It was funny, ya had to be there. Then I gave him head and we're both not sure if that was gross or hot but I like pushing my own limits and being a nasty girl. Then last night I met all of his freinds from like high school and we all went to a REALLY NICE dinner and then drinking. I was so fukn nervous and shy and lame, god knows what they thought of me. Carl was so sweet and affectionate all night. I so fell even further for him. And when he plays pool it's so fucking sexy! This morning I woke up and gave him head for breakfast as usual. Then I was horny so he fucked me and I don't know how but his cock hits a cartain spot in me like no one else EVER. It's like a magic stick. It's a mystery to me, I thought I knew my pussy, thought I'd done it all. It makes me cum so easy and so fucking hard. This morning I was shaking after for a good hour. I LOVE THAT COCK! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 28th, 2007
7:21 pm	Quickie Update Saturday I went to the Cat, had a diet coke and then went to Carl's house. Sunday I went to Noey's and visited her. It was very good to see her. Then I came home, rented movies and went to Carl's house. I figured he must be sick of me by Monday so I was gonna go to Club 7 with Kristine. She ended up cancelling and I had been waiting a few hours drinking at the Cat and was fukd up. Carl had left a while earlier. Carl text me "Be good baby, I'm gonna rub 1 out thinking about you." Aparently, I then called him and said not without me, I'm coming over. So I ended up at his house again. I felt bad this morning like I've overstayed my welcome. That was 4 nights in a row. I had a pic in my phone of me and some gay guy that I befriended after Carl left. I tried to get him to go to the club with me but he was scared of not having a ride. But really I freaked myself out. I almost picked up some dude who I didn't know, and didn't know if he was confirmed gay. I am lucky I didn't make out with him. It's like it's only a matter of time before I fuck up and end up kissn or fukn some RANDOM. I will hate myself forever if I fuck up wit Carl. Dj wanted me to go home with her after the club. Is that okay? I don't know but I think I shouldn't do it until i know for sure where I stand with Carl. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 21st, 2007
6:50 am	So far so good.......... I was still not quite right yesterday, spent all day in bed. Then I went to the Cat to watch the football game with Carl. I only had three beers and one shot.I was deliberate and responsible. I had a lot of fun with my baby. We always have so many laughs. He got real drunk and then we went back to his house and talked for a while and he had me laughn so hard at his drunk ass. Then we had sex for a long while. And then I went to sleep in his arms. He said "You were wonderful tonight baby." Fuck, I love being in his arms and the way he looks at me sometimes just completely melts me. He makes me so very happy. I never expected for a man, let alone Carl to be this for me. I'm meeting his sister and brother on Friday. I am sooo nervous about it. I need to get a job. I so want to be able to have something to offer him. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 20th, 2007
4:24 pm	So after thinking about what I did.... I had a full on panic attack with hallucinations last night on the way to Noeys. I had to pull over and call Bob. I was freaking out all night, took 3 doses of benedryl and everything. After hanging at Bobs house while he ralked me down for a while, we decided that due to the look and cosistancy and after effects that what i did that night was HEROIN. Nice Darb, nice. I am so gonna slow my roll. I been thinkn about stopping drinking altogether. Anyways I just talked to Carl and he sounded like he was doing a little better with me. I got a few "baby's" outta him. I feel very much better cuz I thought my world was gonna end if I lost him. Rex and I went for Noey's surgery this morning and it was cancelled for some bullshit reason. That so sucks for her I felt so bad. (Comment on this)